This must be fucked up dream week...
I was in a fun house with this guy who used to work here, Pat, but he had longish curly hair, and then some reallly tall skinny long-haired girl and another guy ( ithink). Well the four of us were running through this fun house because someone was chasing us. We get out of the fun house and i realize we're actually in Italy, so we run downa back alley to hide. There is a table with four chairs and we are right next to a large wine store window. The other guy says that he we will go some bottles of wine for us to help calm us down. Pat anf I are sitting there kinda talking and its obvious that he likes me, but i just know that he won't say anthing to me becuase he's worried what his friends will think. Then I have to go down this other alley and I see the tall girl that we were with stumbling towards me very drunk. She starts talking about nonsense but I know that shes drunk because she likes pat even though she knows he likes me. I'm just talking back to her and she knows that I know what she knows (confusing neh?) So she runs off to sleep with Pat, even though he doest like her and feels bad about sleepign with her. I instead keep running down the other alley way until I get to Niles North's track and hop on a CAMEL to get to the greenhouse where I have to parner with Pat but we dont know each other.
I'm at my grandmas house and she gives me a bunch of envelopes talking about how my mom ordered a private eye to investigate my dad. There are holes in my teeth and one comes loose. I read over the articles in the envelopes and realize that the private eye was soeone I knew and now he is going to ruin my dad. I run back to my dads (which is actually friends of the familys house in Arizona) and there are all these people there because we run a sort of half-way house/Circus(?) I try to explain my problem to them because it will affect them too but they dont care. We have chocolate cake.
When I lost him I nearly died. I had given so much of my heart away that there was nothing left to sustain me. I had let someone know more about me than anyone else and he choose her instead. But I had someone who told me I find my heart again and eventually I got it back. But I was left broken, defensive, and closed. I didn't even realize it until other people tried to get in. At the time, I remember thinking that if there was anything I wished more for the person who told me that, it would be that she would never understand what is what that I was going through. So when they asked me the above question the other day I was happy to know that she still did not know why it "haunts" me. I worry now that she will understand, maybe more so. I cant be there now to help her they way she helped me and I'm sorry. With all my heart I'm sorry. I wish I could be there the way you were for me. I wish that I could give you something that would protect you from what you will feel. I wish that there was something I could do except listen, but I'll do that, even if it's just crying.
I have watched my best friends lose the guys they loved to war, to other women, and to immaturity. These are the strongest people I know, not just because they have survive and succeeded, but because their capacity to love everyone and everything around them has not diminished. Their immensity to love shows through in their art work, in their theatre (even though I totally missed the show) and in their music. They are filled with such love that I know that they will rise more beautiful for their sorrow, more strong for their suffering, and more able to love, for they can give it endlessly and never empty or tire of it. I can't take away your pain, but I can tell you that you will be ok.
I had a dream about eating bacon and biscuts. Now I dont know if that means anything or its just because my diet doesnt let me eat anything i want to but what a fucking boring dream.
I've gotten to the point where I am faced with complete and utter lack of motivation. I can't give a shit about the rest fo this semester when I know that the experience of a lifetime is two months away. Im stillkinda bummed about not going on SAS, I really wanted to see Venezuela and Kenya but hey, I figure marry rich and that'll be the honeymoon
Speaking of which, not only was Elijah Wood in Chicago, but he was at the Green fucking Mill. Which is all of a BLOCK from Susans
apartment. Damn damn damn. So close and yet so far.
People are stupid. Have I really just realized that. I've noticed that myself in particular have turned into a real bitch. I think that its mostly the students and staff up here but they really bring the bitch inme out. I love it. Back to stupid people though. It always amazes me just how wrapped up in their own shit people are that they can't even see what is right in front of them. No on, they cheated on you, but it makes perfect sense to get back together. Oh! And what is with these EMO EMO EMO away messages? One more angsty song lyric AIM message and I'm dropping some E in your fucking Pepsi. Hey I do it too, but at least their good bands.
I think I'm just holding my breath.
How are you? Really, well thats a positive I guess. Its good to see youre growing up. Kids you say, why no, i didnt hear you had kids. Must be a bitch what with your crack addiction. No alot of people enjoy community college. I believe you when you say you'll go back to a real university. Really? No. No. You dont say, well thats too bad, I hope it clears up soon. Right well it was good talking to you. See you again next time. Peace
Good News: I got accept to Educational Programs Abroad semester in London where I will be participating in a highly competitive internship at RUSI (rusi.ord) in either their Military Science Research Institute Or Homeland Security Research Divistion. The program begins January 9th, but I will be leaving easrly to spend two weeks in Scotland with my family. It ends April 16th but I will remain until May 20th backing through Europe with Shari. I got tons of grants to pay for everything but $1000. I leave in three months and four days!
Very Bad News: My grandpa, my only grandpa who I love more than anyone can possibly love a person, has cancer. He starts chemo on monday and tuesday. I would not even go to London except that my grandpa says that he wants me to go and won't talk to me if I stay. Daddy says that there is a 80% remission rate and that it has to get better before it can go worse. Luckily my grandfather is very healthy and so he shoudl get through the chemo and be fine. It's still really hard for me to process, some days I can't stop crying but my dad says that it's silly to cry now- He. Will. Be. Fine. Other days I feel really guilty about studing abroad, Daddy says that silly too. I've never been so scared in my life. I don't know what to do. I can't fix this.
This past month has been a rollercoaster for me. Alot of stress, alot of bad, and alot of good. I'd love to hear from you, yes, even you. I know you read this. I'd love the support but mostly I want to know you all are doing, I miss you all. I miss you little sister, I hope I get to see you soon, 143. Cell me, its always on: 815-558-4653.
Bailye, Deanna, Jon and myself were playing inbetween tennements buildings in London when i see bombs dropping. We were at war with the Japanese and they were trying to kill us all. Bailye and Deanna were too far away when I saw a bomb about to be dropped on us. I pulled Jon behind a wall and we were protected from the blast. We tried to find Bailye and Deanna but they had disapered in the blast. Then these Japanses spy-bots were chasing us trying to kill us so I grabbed Jon's hand and we ran across England to Scotland. I tried to find my mom but she was in this HUGE communal safety arena (like the dome in New Orleans). There were all these charred bodies hiding under blankets but you couldnt really see them, you just knew they were there. I finally found my mom and we decided to hide in my dorm room. The dorms were empty so we scavenged students rooms for food and water. Bailye and Deanna were also in the dorm so we made tin can phones. When Deanna got pregnant my mom (who IRL is a midwife) helped Deanna give birth. Andy named the baby girl Amidala and I thought it was stupid name.
I was at Genessa's house and her family asked me to speak in Arabic (they said all this in Chinese but I totally understood) unfortunatly I dont speak it so they told us to leave. They gave us bus tokens but we couldnt get on the bus becaseu they were actually caramels.
My students gave me a shirt from a Lord of The Rings Bar Mitzvah
Anya (from Buffy) was scared about the final battle. She was talking to Xander and knew that he was about to kiss he her when she started screaming "No No". Then a man froze the sceane and told Anya "You died before Xander kissed you" Then her handed her this jewel orb thing and she was transported to a playground. She was wearing red mittens that got covered in snow. She was on her knees in the snow and suddenly got a peaceful look on her face and started to whishper into the jewel-orb thing "It's true, you will die". And then in the background you can here her scream the previous "No No".
Minerva, Shari and I were at Wal-Mart discussing the benefits of working at Target. She bought some asperigus.
Cor- I am TOTALLY jealous of you and I hope the best time. Give me your email one more time. Stay Safe
We were at prom again, but it was next year and we were graduating college but it was the same prom with the same people and the same dresses. "I'll Be" is playing and I'm dancing with Juan but I realized that we're dancing but i have to hokld him up becuase he was shot in the back. I started to cry because now my dress is stained red (not just a spot of red, my whole dress was red) and this guy (I dont know who it was) wasn't going to recognize me. Beth came to help me with Juan's body but her hair kept falling off her head and she had to keep putting it back and it was slowing us down. Suddenly were in this hotel and Beth and I are dragging Juans body (he's still alive btw and singing Metalica off key even though I keep explaining to him that he has perfect ptich) when this jewish girl sees us and runs away. I run after her down the stairs and yell at her for not being a good jew and helping us. She tells me that 'he' was at prom but didnt see my white dress so he left and now he's hiding. Then Kim Miller(co-worker) and I were dragged Juan's body to this rock cliff and she tells me that i need to climb the rock face because thats where President Bush is and he will bring Alex back home. I try to explain to her that I cant climb in my prom dress and she rips off the bottom and suddenly I'm in jeans and a red velvet top that looked like the top my dress. Before I climb the wall Jimmy(coworker) yells from the top of the wall that President Bush won't talk to me because I killed Juan. I try and explain to Jimmy that he was shot in the back so it couldnt have been me. Jimmy falls off the cliff and I try to catch him but (like a cartoon) I hold my arms open and he falls behind me on top of Juan. I'm alone with these two dead guys in the middle of the woods and I can't stop crying. I decied that I must burry them, even though they're both still alive, only to see these two puppies. So I pick them up and name them 'Lynne' and 'Jacob'. The last thing i remember is trying to hide the puppies in my dorm room.
Dude. What the Fuck is wrong with my sub-conscience?
I am a fucking idiot. More than that, I cannot beleive that the immature shit I dealt with in high school is still catching up to me. Let me 'splain, No, there is too much. Let me sum up... I (in what is obviously a huge misunderstanding) had heard from someone that when they had talked to Ricky that he blamed me for everything that happend senior year and that I shouldn't have told Juan not to be my friend anymore. Now, after the cammping trip I hardly talked to Rick so I figured he was supporting his best friend and not talking to me. So a few months into freshman year I changed my screen name and I forgot to give it Ricky. Now this wouldn't be a big deal, as i figured I had already lost him as a friend and was really pissed off at him for talking shit behind my back, but a few days ago, Eina tells me that Sara Davidson had invited her, Juan, and Ricky out to some 'Mc Cracken' reunion thing on Sunday. So they're all chillin at Ricks when, of all people, Rick's mom askes about me. Well out of the 4 people there Eina's the only who still talks to me, but Ricky tells his mom that I blew him off, that it was ME who stopped talking to HIM. Now I dont know if he said that because he really believes that or if he said that because he just needed something to tell his mom. If he really believes that than I really screwed up because I never talked to him about it, I just believed what I heard and wrote him off. So now, I just don't know how to feel about all this. I thought I had put all this behind me. I can't be friends again, too much shit has happened. I just dont want Rick to think that I blew him off, that I'm the asshole in this situation, no one is. But I can't IM him, can't email him, and can't call him (cause I deleted all that info) and when it comes down to it, I don't even know if I could even if I wanted to. I wasn't strong enough to deal with it freshman year and at this point I doubt it even matters to them. The sick part of thise whole story? After two sexual harrasments, two sexual assults\battery, and some random assholes in between, Juan and Ricky were still probably two of the nicest guys I've known. I just feel like such a fucking idiot. ::sigh::